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Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Zombie Land

Have you ever taken one of those stupid tests on Facebook that judge how long you would survive in a Zombie Apocalypse? How did you do? Most people get a "You will die in the first hours.." Not me, I would survive indefinitely. I don't even like guns, but I've already been through the best training in the world to survive.... children.

Children are wonderful. They are little snapshots of you each with their own personalities and foibles, an imperfect you (not that you are so perfect mind you). Children are like copies of copies, they look a little like the original, but are different in very subtle ways. But all children are born with several minor genetic variations to allow them to survive in a harsh world.

The first mutation is Vampiric power. Even as a newborn, a child immediately starts sucking the energy from any and all adults nearby. The first few months with a newborn will almost kill an adult, virtually stealing all of their energy. Newborn parents are often hollow shells of themselves the first 6 months. Fortunately, this power wains the older a child gets.

By the time a child is 20 years old, the Vampiric power is almost completely gone and mutates into a no less devastating power called Canihavesomemoney. As the child gets older and becomes unable to siphon life force from an adult, they quickly determine that small silver and copper coins can fill the gap. As their powers continue to change, green slips of paper are needed more often until eventually the adult is free of the Vampiric power but is completely ensnared in the other.

But a child's most devastating power is that of the Zombie. The other powers tend to be subtle and most adults don't even realize that they are being affected. However, when a child victimizes an adult with their Zombie power, the adult is often left a gibbering, slobbering shell of their former self. These attacks come in two powerful forms: Incessant arguing, and Repetition.

It doesn't matter how many children are involved, however the more that participate in an argument, the more powerful the Zombie power hits. My own children conduct coordinated strikes against their parents. They marshal their forces in advance and immediately upon sitting down at the dinner table launch their attack.

"I'm sitting there"
"No, I put my drink here first"
"Did not"
"Did too"
"I'll lick your fork so that I can sit there"

And on, and on, and on, and on...

Often I've seen them uncoordinated, yet still launch an offensive and start an argument even when there is nothing to argue about.

"Oh, there is cheese on it"
"That's not cheese that egg yolks"
"I don't even have eggs"
"But it is egg yolks"
"You aren't even looking at my plate"

Adults immediately take evasive action and attempt to ignore the tendrils of power seeping into their brain. But the children slowly raise the volume of their attacks until an adult cracks (and it only takes one to crack for the Zombie power to take hold) and begins to start screaming themselves for peace and quiet. Energy transferred, attack complete.

Repition is perhaps the more powerful of attack. It starts small and low and builds to a breaking point. All children cut their proverbial teeth with the simple, "Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, MOM, MOM, MOM, MOM." This attack can be overcome with practice and an experienced adult doesn't even hear this after the first few years.
However, in my experience, I've found that really talented children learn how to overcome this by finding just the right combination of words. My children can call my name for hours and I'll never hear it, but a chorus of "I always come to work at three AM. This is when I count the sesame seeds" from my children will inevitably put me over the edge (I think Spongebob was created by Zombies to help the other little Zombie wannabe's). All of this Zombiefication eventually wears down the adults so that the other powers have an easier time.

So when the Zombies begin their final take over, I'll be ready. I've had many years of training already and can survive until the end of time. Anyone for some brains?

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